Finally back online and at daughters in Red Oak, NC ... progress, progress, progress. Soon I'll be in California, working, living with my friend Steven McEuen and having a LIFE....and loving that it, I'm sure. Steven is rather opinion minded and set in stone as to how he likes things done. I hope we do not butt heads! I butt heads with other strong minded people but with Steve I think it will be fine because he usually gets his way ;) like most men do. Steve has gone to great lengths to avail himself to me and I am appreciative. The goal is to pay him back the monies lent to me which kept me from dieing of starvation and living in a dark and cold house (in other words, he kept the lights on and the food stocked) a while back and I owe the help back.

When this is over I'll be back in NC and dug in again into a life I don't really love. I should just up and move back to Ohio! Troy is my first pick. Tipp City is my second. I would love to live there again and be close to my grandson Joseph. The joy of watching him hit a baseball or slide down a water slide pulls me there. But, the thing is, I would have to leave behind my four girls and Kyle (not to mention the possibility of seeing Carmen and Stefan again) so it is a difficult choice to make. Ohio is more peaceful. Lets face it: Pamela is more peaceful! My sons keep me upset with one thing and then another and I feel their pain and want to help but all my help (in the past) got them nowhere! No progress at all so I need to back off and let them do for themselves but it so so hard to do!! I want a good live for them and their children so badly but I must remember I can not give that to them. They have to give that to themselves.

I will miss Lexi (I already do!) if I move. Lexi made me feel like a grandmother again. And, I worry so much about Destiny & Abigail. I worry about their health! How could I not! Doesn't their mother realize how dangerous an unkempt and dirty house is? And doesn't she realize that my son can't keep all this work up? He's stretched to the limit while she set on her ass smiling like some queen waiting for him to cook the meals and clean the house. What a mess my son has landed himself in. I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix this situation for Brian as he works so hard and deserves so much more from life than what Becca is giving him. Does she care? I honestly do not think she does.

As for Kevin, he will come into his own sooner than later. I have high hopes for his success at having a wonderful life. I wish will all my heart he and Michelle could have worked things out but alas, not to be. Oh well...not my life but his to live. He'll be fine given time.

As to Candace...........a little upset at her housekeeping skills...........she needs a boost! I don't want to do everything because then her hubby would notice who did it and make her look less in his eyes so that's not good. How to help without being the doer??? I will figure it out, I guess.

SO, I'm totally over Mr. Shields! Now this is great news to my heart. Great news. I'll always have fondness for him but I don't love him like I did. He's spoiled my affections by his actions.

I need to get my fanny in motion today as I have lots to do before I can leave for California.

It is late and I can't sleep again as the neighbors below me are fussing at each other and they have a new puppy which is making his/her own noise. There must be something I can do about this. Other neighbors have complained so many times that the landlord now takes a deep breath when I called him the other day. It was my second time complaining. I called about the smelly water coming out of the bathroom faucet but added in at the end of the call (hey, had him on the line anyway, so...) that they were continuing to be bothersome. I have not called him in many many days but tomorrow I will need to telephone him again and explain (1) move them or (2) move me! Eight is acceptable. I need to be on the ground floor anyway. The stairs are becoming a problem and then because of them I don't go out for walks as much because the thought of climbing them when I come back is so unpleasant to think about that I just don't go in the first place.

I am missing Win tonight. But, I did as David suggested and sent him a message that said "I love you, Win. But, I am no longer going to chase you. If you decide that you want me, I will be here for you." This is what David said to do and I did it, although I don't think he'll actually come around and quite frankly I'm not sure I want him too. Six years of this mess is enough. I need to move on, seriously move on and that does not mean a new 'man' or an attempt to date either. Not this time. I need my time to be only for me. I need to focus on my quilting; my writing; my gardening; my walking; my earning a living so I can eat properly and pay the bills when due; and I need to focus on my health. I need to see three doctors (1) an optometrist for new glasses (2) a cardiologist for my heart (two leaky valves) and (3) a general practitioner for a really good check up, one that can refer me for a mammogram and prescribe something for my depression, although I really do not want to take anything that makes it difficult for me to lose my weight; and (5) the dentist to finish fixing my teeth. All these doctor visits are needed! I need to get on with it. And, I need to join a gym and go!! I have a marvelous book about what I need to do to tone and get back into shape for my sixty-five year old body and it sounds like it will work for me so I should give it a good old fashioned try. Belly up to the bar, so to speak; run the mile!! Just Do It! And I shall.

Steven wants me to live with him for a while so I can pay him back the money I owe him and I really do not want to to this but I may need too. I am not sure it is a really good idea except for, of course, paying him back which would be done in about four months or less. But, then what? I would love to visit Mountain View again and see all my old friends and see my sister-in-law, Yvonne Maughn and her son Nicky. I believe he still lives with her. Her other son Tony lives in Southern California for what I've heard. I don't keep in touch with Yvonne all that much after my brother Eddie passed on. I should but then I don't keep in touch with Helen that much either. I keep in touch with all my other cousins but it seems that Helen and I just have gotten off track, that's all, we are off track of calling and writing. I will write to her tomorrow. I should write to her.

I am not sure I will get much of a bonus from doing taxes this year and this is a huge disappointment. I am nearly 100% discouraged. I keep telling myself "chin up, you've been through worse" but my mind doesn't seem to listen too well.

Julie is coming with a friend of hers on Saturday. Her friend wants me to look at her tax return and give advise on how to prepare for next year. I don't know what she does so I don't know what I'm getting into! And, of course, Julie will be there and I don't like giving tax advise in the presence of a non-related individual. I don't think Julie understands how this could be professionally unsatisfactory. I'll handle it ... I always handle things like this so I will this too.

I'm so old looking; so old. I am beginning to look like my grandmother Mary Francis Self-Wehunt. She passed away at 94.10 years. I will live this long too. So, I'd best get on with taking better care of myself. If I am going to live as long, or longer, than my grandmothers and aunts (most in their late nineties) I want these final years to be filled with health, fun and pleasures; filled with happiness (that is where Winfred came in) and adventure. I would love to earn enough money the next five or six years so I can put back quiet a bit and then I can travel some. I can travel a little now but only a little. I want to go to Europe and Africa. I'm not so keen on going to Asia or Hawaii of any other Island for that matter but perhaps I might like to go to Sidney, Australia. I'm not sure if I want to take one of those ship tours though, they don't sound like my kind of thing. I'm not all that social, actually. I'm friendly as they come but not all that social. I can tour Canada now and the US states as well and I think I am going to do that this year. Weekend getaways sort of thing. Anyway, I want to be able to put back some money so I can travel.

All seem to have quietened down downstairs; they must have finally fallen asleep! I shall go to bed now. I am very sleepy all of the sudden. Good Night Win.

Mothers

It is impossible to deal with my mother for she can push every button I have. The thing is this: she knows she is doing it and seems to take some sort of pleasure in it ... I stay calm and make polite talk while all the time wanting to tell her exactly what I think of her childish (me, me, me) behavior until such time as it becomes absolutely necessary for me to speak, plainly and boldly to her. Then the cycle begins again.

When Bobby and I were first married she dropped the hint that I wanted something for Christmas. Bobby purchased it for me and told her he had gotten it. When Christmas morning came I opened Bobby's present and was delighted he had bought this item for me. Kiss and hugs all around. That afternoon mother showed up to exchange gifts. Her gift was an upgrade of the same item Bobby had gotten for me. I could see it in her face that she knew she had gotten the better one and was pleased over it. When I returned the one she gave to me she was very upset. I know this because every time she came over she mentioned it. In her mind she was 'one upping' my new husband and doing so to let me know I could have done better. Her better, of course, is built on the scale of who has the most to offer in the way of financial stability and bobbles and such. In her mind women are for sale to the highest bidder of their choosing. I do not feel the same. I love with all my heart and the lucky man who gets my affections gets my affections unconditionally. This is only one example of her cunning ways in which she uses anger and leverage to get what she wants and/or what she thinks everyone else should do/have so she can appear to her friends and, I think to herself, as a woman who has it all and who can, as she has often said "hold her head up high" that her family is a cut above everyone else ... My mother came from poor roots and is proud she accomplished so much. The fact is she accomplished very little in the global scheme of things. She can china paint, she can sew, she can keep a clean house, she can do an extraordinary job of laundry but she can not lay claim to anything else. These things, although fine gifts do not make her any more special than any other woman around the globe. I do the same, I can sew and quilt, I can keep a clean house and my laundry is done well. I am not any more special than another. Even though I write a good story and I love doing it I have not set the literary world on fire .. gosh my spelling is atrocious! But, she constantly tells her friends and any one else that will listen that I am a writer! This has happened too often to someone who has only been published in two magazines and in an anthology for Pete's Sake. Not that I would not love to set the Literary World on fire I can not lay claim to it, and should not embellish my accomplishments. But mother does and it is embarrassing to me.

I am finding that as I keep my distance from her influence I do better at pulling myself together and getting back to the woman I am. So, for now, for the time being I don't call as often as I should and I diffidently do not visit her. She is the devil incarnate to my healing processes.

The past five months I have lived away from her. I have my own apartment since November 27, 2009 and am doing very well. I am doing well because I am staying away from her or I would not be doing well at all. If not for my distance I would continue to be overwhelmed and suffering from self doubt. I need the distance to learn to be me again. My mother has done damage that is not unrepairable but I need the distance to repair that damage.

During the time I have been healing I have had a relationship that did not work out. How could it have been a success? I was not ready yet to have any relationship with anyone and most particularly not with Win Shields! That relationship with him has been on and off too many times and always during the time I was not ready. But, I am in love with him so I went for it when I should have said SLOW and EASY and not too seriously please. So it did not work out and with this last time I feel it never will work out and this makes me worse off than I was five months ago. Now I find myself having to begin from scratch! I have to, once again, force myself to get out of bed, stay off the computer, stay out of my pajamas and get out of my apartment. For example I have been in my pajamas since late Thursday evening when I came home from the Relief Society birthday dinner and I have not been outside this apartment since I came home Thursday evening around ten thirty. I count that at 74 hours and counting. No bath, no change of clothes, no sunlight, my bed is not even made nor are the sheets on it. They are still in the dryer from Friday morning with the mattress cover laying on top of the bed ready to be put back on. I have slept on the sofa for two nights. It was easier than making the bed. The book shelves are still stacked in the bedroom to be put back together and at the end of the sofa are at least fifty books stacked up that need to go into that bookcase. The second bedroom is full of my daughters bedroom suite and all her things and a crib that needs to be dismantled and taken to her house. I keep thinking if I could get some help doing these two things I could put the rest of my things away then maybe I would feel more like living here. The place is clean, the kitchen is kept up and the bathroom is clean and the floors are clean but it takes a lot of effort on my part to keep it up. I can't even keep myself up all the time. Some one coming to my door would be shocked to see me in smelly p.j.'s with dirty hair ... but, there was no outside influence for me to bath, I did not have to go to work and I bowed out of church today. Don't give me an oppertunity to stay in because I'll take it! Every morning I tell myself: I will go for a walk today, but I don't. The only think I am doing right is eating like I should to drop some of my weight and I need to drop some weight! I want to be normal again, normal size and a normal life.

So.....here's the plan: Tomorrow I am going to ask Lisa to take me to the unemployment office. I will speak with someone and see if I can draw some unemployment and if they can help me find a full time job at a good wage. Perhaps with the hospital. This town is too large for me not to find something I can do to give myself something to do where I have to get out of the house everyday, and dress nicely every day, and be around people every day. Then I am setting an appointment with a doctor to check out my health; physical and mental. I need help. I would not say I was falling apart; I am, however, not doing as well as I should be. It is not normal to stay in one's pajamas and not bath for days. And it is not normal to sleep on the sofa instead of in a very nice comfy bed with clean sheets.

I need to heal from this thing with Win and I need to learn how to love myself again.

A Saturday In 2010

Normalcy; relaxation and calm; music piped through earphones drowning out my noisy neighbors; awe, the one Saturday I have nothing to do but set and contemplate my navel. The healing of my heart is taking place today. Quiet and calm. Reflective. Building bridges between my head and my heart. This is my day. Today. One Saturday in 2010.

I have determined HGTV/DIY is demential to my mental health. The watching itself is too stimulating. Not only do I want to build or plant something but by the end of the fifth one-half hour show I am totally tuckered out from watching sweaty men lug rocks or decorators wipe their brow of sweat. I take a deep breath because I need to calm down my high level of stimulation(s) and get back to contemplating my navel, which is, after deep consideration, my best course of action for this One Saturday in 2010.

I thought I could solve any problem by using my experience and my knowledge but I find this is not possible in a love relationship with a human. If Win were a cat: a fishy treat would bring him around, he'd forgive me on the spot with one yummy morsel and then he'd curl up beside me and let me pet him until he was purring like satisfied cats do. But, he is not a cat. If Win were a horse: a good walk with my easily holding the straps and guiding him until the trust returned would work and does on horses. But, he is not a horse. If Win were a turtle: A fresh leaf of cabbage (my turtle liked cabbage) left out and gentle words would work until he would let me hold him in the palm of my hand. But, he is not a turtle. If Win were a dog: A loving pat and a few hugs and a nice walk and tons of praise would bring him around. And he would know (1) I am so so sorry I was so way out of line; (2) I learned a valuable lesson not to push, to accept and to wait, and (3) he can truly trust me again because I will never ever do that again. The knowledge that I frightened (i.e. I encroached on his comfortable turf) someone I am so deeply in love with that he felt the need to pull away haunts me. I caused pain and I never want to cause that pain again.

What do I want? The simple answer to this question is to live with the man I love and to be the comfortable place he can come to for all his needs, emotional, spiritual, physical, social and even mental. I don't claim to be as intelligent as my love is but I think I can hold my end of a conversation. I want to be held tight and to receive his smiles and warm kisses and hugs. I want to turn down the covers only with him. I want to end this life in his arms and wait for him on the other end. I want to walk through eternity with him. I want a lot don't I? Just all the moons and all the stars in the sky that he has wrapped up in his hands for me and only me.

I am going to be very late for work! Kyle is not here as yet and I do not have the one dollar on me to take the bus so I must keep telephoning him to wake him up so I can go to work. His mother is very angry with him. I'm not angry. Anger is such a waist of my energy. I'd rather think of this as a little ripple in the life of someone who's job ends on the 15th of April anyway no matter if I go into the office today or not. On the 15th we all get fired until next year. I will not be with H&R Block next year. My choice. I am disappointed at the volume of work available. When I hired on I did ask all the right questions but I did not get all the right (or true) answers. I think the owner was doing the pie in the sky thing when he interviewed me. When I asked how many returns were done the prior year he said 1200. When I asked how many tax professionals he had working. He said six. What he did not say was the 1200 tax returns several were his which he should have not counted. And, to add insult to injury (because I am injured as I have not the savings to get me through the remaining year that I usually put back during tax season from my paychecks) the six tax professional he said he had was actually six tax professional stations but there are actually thirteen tax professionals working those six stations. So this past week my hours were a whopping fifteen and the week before I worked ten! My last paycheck was for twenty hours and I get paid every other Friday. Two weeks = twenty hours = not doing too well here! So, well done me.

So, I will need to go to California and stay with my friend in order to take care of my responsibilities and that rather stinks. But, I can suck it up and do what I need to do! Steven and I have been best friends for years; no romantic attachments and NO there is no "friends with benefits" as the kids now days say between us. He is my step in brother replacing the three I have lost. The only sibling left I find that I feel quite alone so it is nice having Steven. And he's tall so while I am there he can get all the high stuff down just like Lloyd and Greg did! Lloyd was six-two and Greg was six-four. I miss looking up at them and seeing all that love in their eyes for their little/big sister, respectively. Eddie was six even but I never looked up into his eyes, that I remember, although I know he loved me. My three brothers were wonderful people. I miss and love them dearly. I think Steven nearly loves me like that but it would be impossible for him to love me as much, I think. Anyway, if this is what I need to do them this is what I will do, period, end of story, no complaints, smilie face on and march forward into the abyss of ?????????????

As for the only man I have ever loved this much........who knows..........I know what I want..........but does he? And where is he anyway? Not here with me; not talking to me; not forgiving me. What a mess.

Bad language spoken;

Babies crying

Overcooked biscuits

because mother insisted they be

left in for another two minutes.

Dolls being stolen

between Lexi & Mattie

Scarves for blankets being offered

to even the score;

Dishes left to clean later while I slipped into

a tub filled with hot water and crystals that

smelled of passion flowers but are labeled Green Tea;

Just another day; just another Sunday

to miss church for the tending to others;

No, please don't bake a cake! or fix a dish

for I am not in the mood to celebrate.

It's just another day, the same as the day before

for tending to others while I let myself slip away.

Today is not memorable, there is nothing remarkable,

easy, or serene about it to report to you;

Just the usual trysts and tasks that daily surround and

weave in and out of an ordinary day. My 64th birthday.

(copyright: 2009)

AMBIENT NOISE

Ambient noise {the noise related to the immediate surroundings of something like in music, the electronic having no vocals or persistent beat, used to create atmosphere. Notice I did not say ambience because what I am going to discuss here lacks character which, of course, ambience has. The noise I am talking about comes from the floor beneath me. In fact one floor down in a three story apartment building known for its quietness. This place I decided to habituate last November has been a place of quiet which I sorely needed. That quiet has been compromised to the point I can not think, nor can I write without diminished thoughts, thoughts I need to get from my head onto paper!

This all began less than a month ago when new neighbors moved into the unit directly below me. They have two young children whom I consider adorable, active and noisy but adorable and apparently and unfortunately without restrictions when inside their apartment unit. As adorable as they are they are also accomplished trampoline and flying trapeze artists as my wall shake as they run, jump and hang off the furniture. This begins every morning a little after six and ends right before bedtime around eight thirty to nine in the evening. A full day of fun for them but a full day of that ambient noise for me. I might add here that the weather is nice enough for outside play but I never see them outside. The children aren't bad enough added to the mix of noise is their father who is about as loud and verbally obnoxious as a drunken sailor on shore leave trying to impress his buddies but failing one hundred percent. His language is dismal at best and lacks intelligence on any level. He yells at the children and his wife saving all the good words for his wife or course, like bitch and whore. I know this because he is so loud that I can hear every word coming from the floor below me. I know other neighbors have mentioned this to the landlord as have I but thus far the bumping and loudness is yet to fade away to a not so fond memory.

I am waiting for that moment of quietness so I can clearly think and the words inside my head can make it all the way to the paper on which they were intended to land.

Love Eternal

Love me without fear. Trust me without wondering. Love me without restrictions. Want me without demand. Accept me how I am. A love like that will be eternal.

I just love Brother Stewart. He's always lighting my darkened path which is so nice. I don't understand some scripture, he is there to teach me. I have a problem with mother, he calms me. I have tears over Win, he encourages me to keep steadfast and that Win does not lie, that he loves me. I appreciate his friendship.

Working today for five hours resulted in less earnings than than the hourly draw...at this rate I will receive zero bonus! How in the world I am going to make it through the remainder of the year is a mystery to me because their are zero jobs out there .... unemployment insurance---here I come! And, that sucks big time.

Watching "Return To Me" from Netflex. I love this movie. It is a really sweet movie. Chick Flick, but then I'm a Chick :)

Today I am doing better missing my love, still he is on my mind 24/7

I am trying to understand how to put a blog together for my quilting blog and it is so confusing! I need to do that tomorrow when I have zero else to do...it might take all day long to format........I am so tired of Mackenzie Phillips recount of her past .... but women will tune in and 'get a fix' ......... it's like gossiping ........... women love to gossip but I deplore it!!!

I am learning to blog! I am learning to blog for my quilt business. Way too much fun {_*((^^_*+ :) oh ya, fun!

An old issue with women that I though was on the decline is apparently increasing in frequency. I do not have the exact numbers but yesterday I listened to an interview with Dr. Nancy Deville, author of the book Karma in which she said that in India alone it is suspected that three (3) million women are living in bondage. I am talking about slave trade, the practice of taking unsuspecting women into a life that they never intended to enter. Many of these women were looking for a better life and some were simply traveling and wound up in a position of great personal peril. And although more research is needed to get real numbers in my book one such woman is one woman too many.

Human trafficking is a real problem and it is not limited to third world countries, it exists here as well but we tend to turn our heads and mummer: Not In America, when every single citizen should be yelling out: Stop! For myself I am getting involved and I am encouraging my countrymen to do the same. Collectively we can make a difference. I am not so naive to think that this dismal practice can be eliminated globally in my life time but I do believe through awareness and education it may be eliminated in my granddaughters life time. It is worth a shot to try.

If the squeaky wheel does receive the most attention then I think women (and men) all over the globe need to lock arms and become that squeaky wheel. Individually and collectively we need to become as loud as humanly possible and turn that squeaky wheel around and around until no living human being can not help but to cry out: Enough; Stop Human Trafficking!

Back from working with nearly zero work to do ... so I took the time to do a flow sheet on Excel for a writing project I want to do. I'm setting her at home, on the computer with ear phones on listening to pandora.com online radio station tuned into some of the best of "what I like" ... leaning back in my chair and typing this to myself........such a wonderful life...I should write a script!

I need to do research on a variety of subjects in order to write the 'history book' I have in the works. Accuracy aside, I want to be entertaining. Some of the stuff is dry as yesterdays toast so putting the reader into a less sleepy mode would be a good thing. So tossing in some facts as to the music and movies and culture of the times will mix it up and brighten it up. At least this is my thoughts on the matter :)

I am missing Win ... and it is not getting easier. Just as before, it will take a long long time to get my heart and my mind in rhythm, marching forward at the same pace. This time I don't care if that ever happens because every time in the past that this has happened I begin to think about dating, just to have someone to go places with, to enjoy some companionship with and so I try and then Win shows back up nearly at the same time and 'we' begin again as I realize how much I am still in love with Win so how can I see someone else? So, my new man, to whom I own nothing other than maybe reciprocating a meal or a movie is tossed aside like last years old newspapers. This is not hard to do because thus far I have not meet a man who says "friends only, just to go places with" and "agrees to the terms" and then, always, like a salesman's switch and bate tries for more than "friends only to go places with" .... I think it is best I live alone and write and do charity work, travel to places I've always wanted to go and visit with friends. Sex, well that is another story. I guess I will not have any! And, this I don't like, not one bit. I was looking so forward to having sex with Win. Oh well................. sucks, sucks big time. And it sucks that I know in my heart that I will never love this deeply again. I know because of past loving I've done. No one in my life has touched me in the way he has so naturally I feel this way. And, time does not heal all wounds, not even a skinned knee, I have proof of the scares on my knees!

Wounds just do not heal...I hope Win is not suffering over this. I feel for him. I feel that I have caused him pain and that makes me cry more than for myself and I do cry for myself. I cry all the time. I can't seem to stop the crying. I don't want to say goodbye.

REMINDER TO SELF: Pay no attention to what your friends say; pay no attention to what your mother says; do pay attention to your inner voice of reason for it has never steered you wrong in all the years you have been alive. You already know what you need to do so give yourself permission to go and do it. Keep on track; head up; heart open; brain fully charged. You are a beautiful woman!

Daylight savings time : And the clocks were turned back one hour in every part of the house except the bedroom. So when Sister Best telephoned this morning at 7:20 am to see if I was ready for church, naturally I said yes! I should have added what was on my mind at the time which was "I'll see you in one hour" and if I had she would have told me it was after eight and to hurry up! We were both late for Sacrament Meeting! She was to have given the opening prayer too, but she waited for me and in doing so we were late, just late enough for her not to give the opening prayer. I feel so bad about that but it did not seem to bother Mary Best at all.

Mary is my ride to church. We also do Visiting Teaching together. She is 74 and drives like she is 30! Very good driver. I am very very glad about that :) very glad.

Okay, down to the purpose of this blog thing I am doing. Today I could not get my mind wrapped around the fact that he has not called or written to me. Is it really an ending or a time out? With Win, I never know. I want to be myself with him but he makes it hard to be myself at times because he seems to bring out my inner child who is afraid of abandonment. No one, and I mean, no one I have ever 'dated' or 'been with' or 'began a relationship with' has ever done this. I have always been able to take it as it comes, not worry, not get to into it, not with him though. I want yesterday what is in store for tomorrow. It is my problem. Not his. But, I can't seem to help myself. I want him now! I think he would give the best hugs.

My grandson Stefan is seventeen tomorrow. I have not seen Stefan in years. This is a happy day for him and a sad day for his mother and me and for his brother Kyle as well, I'm sure. Divorce is a nasty business when it happens between people who either can't or simply will not work together for their children. My daughter did nothing to deserve the loss of her son and daughter from this man who adopted her son and father her daughter. Thank goodness Kyle's father was active in his life or else Steven could have adopted him as well and my lovely daughter would have been left with no children. How can any human being be so evil and despising of a woman he once thought the world of simply because he wants the children of his loins to be solely his and his new wife. God forbid she ever speaks up for herself. She'll loose the children then have together but sadly she does not know this about the man. I do. I know of his character and his heart and both are dark and sour. No good man could have ever done what he has done. No good man could.

I think about Win and his youngest son Winnie. How it must have hurt him and how he must value any time he has with his son now. I think he must have been a good father. He surely had a good and godly one himself. I do not remember Brother Shields but I do remember his mother and I remember thinking she was nice. I never knew her well enough to find out otherwise so I like to think of his parents as being good, nice and godly parents. This is off the subject.

The subject is Stephan who when he was adopted was changed to Stefan. Something he'll never know. Someday I will meet him again and we'll set and talk about his life, perhaps when he is older, even with children of his own. He will learn of how we tried to keep in touch, I'll bring out all the saved presents and cards. They will not mean as much to a man, a kaleidoscope for a boy of eight will not be the same to him then. But, I have them, little things, to give when the time comes.

I got my hair trimmed this afternoon and met the most interesting girl. Her name is Laura. Not only did she trim my hair exactly as I asked her to, she told me about her Grandfathers business on 10th Street begun after WWII that her Uncle now runs. Originally a typewriter repair place they now sell copiers, etc.

Every once in a while you meet someone who tells you a story that you want to write about. I want to write about this family.

I am watching the movie Holiday 2 hours 16 minutes PG -13 staring Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz, also with Jude Law, Jack Black, Edward Burns and Rufus Sewell. And Eli Wallach (one of my favorite actors of all time) who plays Arthur Abbott. It is a chick flick! I got it from netflix by mail ... I may return it Monday after getting a double or even triple does of romance. The only romance I shall be getting, apparently. (okay, bad ending sentence, bad moment!)

Lisa bought me some face cleanser and face moisturizer this afternoon at Food Lyon grocery. I was there picking up fresh fruits, vegetables, and dairy (dairy which is limited to 1% Milk, brown eggs, unsalted butter only and low cal. yogurt) and I picked two 99 cent individual vacuum sealed 4 oz servings of fish that will actually be more like four servings instead of two for me. The more I eat like this, the better I feel. The less depressed I am. The less emotional I get over really silly things. The happier I am in the long run. No more sugar. Sugar is like poison to me! No soda at home, only proper herbal teas and limit the coffee to 1/2 cup each morning, (coffee, just like the doctor said to do) ... amazing how diet works ( ;-) to cure a menagerie of health issues like pre-diabetes and borderline high blood pressure. Not to mention lowering the risk of cancer. I never want that illness to visit me again! Even a brush with it was enough and over the years I have done everything perfect as Dr. Anderson said to do and thus far!!! Drum Roll Please ::: ZELCH pre-cancer cells .... Keeping it that way.

I would love to hang out with Jack Black (or the character he plays -- my kind of guy, actually -- bright, funny, accomplished, emotional available, kind, forgiving, loyal, honest, in touch with his own feelings) I love it when his character asks Kate's character "Why am I always attracted to the bad girl" and her answer is: "I happen to know the answer to this: Because you're hoping you're wrong and every time she does something that tells you she's no good you ignore it and every time she comes through and surprises you she wins you over and you loose the agreement with yourself that she's not for you" (not word for word) Then she goes on to tell him about her loss love and her descriptions really gets me! Worthwhile; insignificant; big words to describe her state of mind. This scene is target on! I wish I had a Jack Black right now to make me a plate of fettuccini . . . . oh well.............

At the end of this movie: Amanda Blake (Diaz's character) says something like "you did say you love me so I'm thinking I have a date for New Years Eve" ... what a line ... of course she would! A man who tells you he is in love with you takes you out on holidays, sends cards, email, telephones you and wants in your nickers as soon as possible which means he comes to where you are! Why am I crying over Win?

Because I am in love with him, that's why. Oh well..........

[HARRISONBURG, Va. (March 12) -- For five months, Virginia carpenter Steve Williams lived with a secret worth millions. Williams won a $200 million Mega Millions lottery jackpot on Oct. 16 but only came forward Friday after consulting with legal and financial advisers. Williams, from Shenandoah in northern Virginia, says he is going to invest the money. Williams chose the cash option of $125 million, rather than receive the full amount over 26 years. After taxes, Williams gets about $88.9 million.]

Hum, a reason to play Mega Lotto, and not to worry over picking out numbers! What would this kind of money do for me? Well, the drama would change things a bit, I guess. Except for knowing that I could buy any produce at the market no matter if it was 3.99/pound or 1.99/pound would be a benefit for sure. And then paying the bills the day after they hit my mail box would be a good thing ... (I remember those days well and miss them, really miss them) ... the only thoughts I have about the subject: The good it could do for others; my kids; my community & my church. I think one can have too much money and when one does it can change them. I think even Bill Gates was changed by his money even if he gives a great deal of it away. I think money is a good thing when and only when it is used for good purposes. I remind myself every day how blessed I am in other areas but to be honest I'd kind of like to have enough to pay the bills on time and buy that perfect bunch of asparagus when it is 3.99/pound.

I am feeling blue today. I miss Win. I miss what happens to me when he calls or sends a couple of lines over the Internet. I simply miss him and I am sad he is not in communications with me. I am such an idiot! Idiot! Finally found someone who lights up my world with the single word, hello and who fills my heart with joy ... just thinking about him makes me smile and I wish I was smiling more these days.

The weather is coolish but pleasant outside. The rain has stopped and I can hear birds chirping outside my window. There are a lot of birds around here. I love that about living here. I love birds. I think I should get myself one! I wonder if the 300.00 animal deposit apply to a bird? Of course, if I had 300.00 to spare I would have a dog. I miss Lacy so much. She was a real true companion. When I go out to walk it is not the same without Lacy.

Well, Mama, if you're listening in on this think you could help heal my heart? Love you Mama. Keep the clouds warm for me I'll be there someday with you and we'll fix the world! :) together.

May I just say this: The problem with his name is that it is everywhere. I just finished reading the paper, a few emails while listening to the View. In less than one hour I either heard or read his name sixteen times. Thanks to the Wilson Daily Times: I read Win $100! Do you know your hoops? His name is in windows, windshields (this one gives me a double dose) winner and so on ... this makes is hard to not notice how much I want to talk with Win.

One thing I've noticed about jotting things down here on blogger is that it lets any concerns flow out of my finger tips and releases them into the universe of the Internet and not at any single other person. It also allows for 100% disclosure! A combo of awesome purging and wonderful inner peace. I get it out. I deal with it. I end it and move on.

Today I am moving on by finally finishing the drapes for my 2nd bedroom. Tomorrow my friends boys will be here to move my daughter's furniture and boxes out. After everything is removed I'll paint the walls and move my things in. A nice room to quilt and craft in. This will be the first time I have had a dedicated room for quilting and crafting. I am wondering if I should talk Candace out of her bed though for company.

I am sick to my stomach ... was yesterday and again today and it has nothing to do with the flu. I think keeping busy is better for healing my wounded feelings. And, I have to remember he only wants some time to regroup from ME ... I'm such an idiot!

I will never again repeat the behavior that made him feel like he needed to retreat. I am the biggest stupido in the world!

Yaks .... can't sleep again .... it seems like I have to wear myself out to sleep and then I don't sleep between five to six hours. I guess that is enough. I don't seem to be suffering because of five to six hours of sleep a night.

Right in your face is not my usual mode ... I'm more shy than not ... not that I am not friendly and nice to strangers, polite and smile at them but I don't 'talk it up' with them either. I have gotten better about this though so now when I stand in a long line I can say something to someone but then I do not actually strike up a lengthly conversation.

Why am I writing this? Just a thought that was running through my mind. Ed Harris stars in Pollock, the life and times of the abstract-expressionist painter. The first screen is 1941 Greenwich Village. I don't know if I want to watch this movie, I'll give it another five minutes. I do like the year 1941. I like the 30's and 40's even the 50's much more than life as it is now. I even like the clothes and cars better. Love the trains! In the name of progress is what they use to say when things changed so drastically. Oh well.

Today I managed to arrange my desk, polish it up, and the tea cart as well. They both look nice. I think I will buy one new plant each time I get paid. That should cheer up the place a lot.

I think that when the kids get all their things out of my place and I can use my space more efficiently I'll be more pleased with my little apartment. It is a two bedroom. One for me and one for my quilting and sewing, writing will still be done in the Living room area as this is where the computer has to go. I am going to finish the curtain tomorrow morning. And that will make the Living room look much nicer. The window covering I have up now is temporary and from three yards of 60" wide remnant fabric I picked up a while back. It works but it's only one wide panel and besides I need that material for something else.

this movie is dragging a bit. I am sure this means it is close to Pollock's true life than not true to his real life.

I was doing alright; nothing but rainbows in my sight; I was doing alright

and so the song goes ...

Now, I just set and wonder if love isn't one big blunder ....

Yes, I was doing alright but I'd be doing much better being held tight .... or at the least at the other end of this pool of sludge I find myself in. Not that being here is a bad thing. It's just so damn uncomfortable. My mind and heart are out of tune. It is like I've stepped off a moving train platform and fell into a pit of gravel. Or better still I've run through a field of cow dung, me being the cow that caused the dung.

I am listening to one of my favorite songs: Ces Petits Riens by Stacy Kent on album Breakfast on the Morning Tram. The music I love is a bit off the beaten path of popular contemporary music found on most radio stations in this country. Love songs that tell a story. Love good writing in any form. I am currently reading James Joyce for the 100th time in my life and wondering why it is so difficult for most people I meet to understand Joyce. He's pretty clear to me. Anyway Joyce is not what I am dealing with today.

I am full of regret this day ... and feeling so responsible I could kick myself from here to the moon and would if it would help matters.

I am wondering if it is even possible to turn this thing around and if I should even continue to try. I've sent an apology out to Win but then what is in an apology but to tell the truth about your complexity in the matter. The thing is that I am in love and at this moment, at this time, it hurts like nobodies business that I may have ruined it for the two of us. Not intentionally. I know it was not intentional but nonetheless I did because I was being ... being what? .... being agressive? No, that's not it ... being pushy? No, that's not it either .... I was being too uncomfortable for him to digest? Yes, that is it...too uncomfortable for him to digest. Well, lesson learned but perhaps learned too late ... I hope not but ................ at any rate I have done the unspeakable. I have made too much noise and noise is disturbing, apparently, to a man. They like quiet. Not noise. Certain things women do because it is in the nature to do them is repulsive to a man, or so I understand now thanks to a dear friend who let me in on a secret. Well, fine thing to know this now! Now that I have been overly gabby, overly 'whatever' I was. In past relationships it was not something that was an issue, my talking and wanting contact with 'the guy' ... he liked it actually. But, not Win. Win needs space and distance to absorb what his mouth said and his heart is feeling and probably what is going on inside his head. So.... so what? What now? Just be myself. Put one foot in front of the other. Wake up every morning, smile and be thankful that even at this age I have loved a man to the depth of my bone marrow and it is better to love him than to not ever have loved him.

Well! I've been educated about men! By one of my dearest friends, Brother David Grant Stewart, Sr. and does he have a way of putting things! I do hope the lesson is not lost inside my female pea sized brain. I don't want it to be lost I want to absorb the message via his analogy and put it into some sort of practice on my end. First, he reminds me that the love of my life does not lie, nor does he exaggerate. These two things I already knew and are two of the reason I fell in love with him in the first place. He is unpretentious, funny and just the biggest huggie-bear in the world, at least this is what my vision of him is, a great big wonderful happy huggie-bear.

Brother Stewart wrote: "Win does not lie. Nor does he exaggerate. If he says he is in love with you, he is. If you want him, you are going to have to learn to bend as much as necessary. We all have to learn to be flexible to make a friendship or a marriage work. There are times when you have to cut a guy some slack. There are times when you need to leave a guy alone, no matter how much you may think you need him. People are like atoms. In fact, the very word "atom" means "individual" - something that has independent existence and cannot be further divided without losing its basic attributes, its identity. In an atom, there are mild electromagnetic forces in the outer electron shell. These give the atom its chemical properties. When we penetrate these and approach the nucleus, we encounter the strongest repulsive forced that exist in nature. People are like this. Keeping an appropriate distance, they can have pleasant relationships as good friends and companions. But getting to close will always bring out forces which are to strong to be dealt with and must simply be avoided at all costs, or the relationship will be destroyed." end of quote.

He wrote more where he got carried away about woman's lib but I don't need to go there for this purpose as I already know most of the sixties and seventies were spent tearing down any head way women had made to that point. I mean I don't want to wear a man's suit although getting equal pay is nice, but I prefer wearing a skirt while earning that equal pay. I have worked (and work all the time, actually) since I was fifteen and a-half years of age. With the exception of when I was a stay at home Mom, but that never lasted very long. I was always contributing one way or another to the family money pot. And, then when I got divorced I was the breadwinner, entered into the Manly World of commerce and forged ahead, trail blazing my way ... in other words, there was no hands outs, no free medical, no free food, nothing but through my own efforts for myself and my children to get by on. I guess I got use to being the man around the house. Even when I remarried Keith I had to continue to be the man although, very frankly I resented have to do it and lost a lot of respect for my better-half in the process. But, that's another story that doesn't need told or relived through the efforts of retelling.

So, what do I do? What is the next chapter in the love saga of the century? Will I be a Willow or an Oak....I want to learn to be a Willow, sweeping, lovely, bending Willow. I do!

In all honesty men think like dogs or bulls humping only the prima-heard, or something like that. I have been married three times, divorced twice and one annulment. And although I did love I did not complete and fully love. And this is very hard for me to admit. It is not something any woman wants to admit, actually, that she never deeply to the core of her being, to the bone marrow loved a man, and until now this has been true. Let me explain. My first trip to the alter was at the insistence of my mother. I was eighteen and he was seventeen and we married the 5th of October (1963) after high school graduation. He turned eighteen that December. We had to go before a Judge with his father present to get court approval to get married! But, we had had sex, actually, a lot of sex because our first "mistake" as my mother called it lead to many more "transgressions" on our part! Not that she was aware of how much sex we were having but the fact that we had was enough to declare me 'ruined for life' and that the boy would have to marry me! The sex, well, it was like eating potato chips, you can't eat just one, and we could not stop with just once. And, yes! we were young and thought we were in love but we were soon to find out we really were not and did not fall in love until after we were married. I was rather surprised by this, but still it wasn't to the core of my being kind of love, but it was very nice love. But that is not what I'm writing about here. I am writing about why I got married three times. It was my Mother! She insisted Bobby and I marry, his parents said "well, you have too!" as well (it was a really hush hush big deal in both households) anyway we married. We should have waited until after college! Who knows what would have been our lives at that point but surely it would not have been with each other, or if with each other at least our marriage would have been 'user friendly' but ... Okay, the second time was a mess and again My Mother! She packed my car with nearly everything I owned! So when I took a trip to 'see if we liked each other enough to consider marriage' I showed up with all my bags plus the dishes! We got married! Would I have married him if given a chance to think about it for another 24? Probably not. And even though I knew him through work (we were both fire fighters and actually partnered up at the department) I should have realized that who you know at work is not necessarily the same person off duty. That one was annulled a very short time later because the guy was truly crazy. In fact I usually don't list him as a husband and tell people I've been married and divorced twice but here I am writing about how my mother's whinny ways and table thumping activities has nearly destroyed my life! I know, I know I should have developed some balls by the second time around. The third marriage I wanted because we had children born out of marriage, three lovely children we cherished. And, no I did not want to marry him! Let me say this plainly and clearly; it was not me; we had split and he wanted his family back but I had moved to North Carolina and in with my mother until I was settled in a rental. Mother said "if he comes you will get married" or he "can't come here and live in sin with our family knowing about it!" or else I would have continued to live in sin! Or, after two days of his trip out I would have realized, as I did two days later, that he had not changed his drug use one bit! He was still using and worse than before I'd discovered it and had tried to help him!!! You can't help a druggie....hello!!!!!!!! So we were married and on all other things he was a good husband and good Dad...so we stayed married until the time came for him to make a choice ... family or drugs .... he chose drugs. Hey, he was a druggie and although he finally straightened himself out he did so years later ... so I have been married, I have loved, I have had less than a perfect and wonderful one, actually. All this sounds very low class. But, none of us ever were low class. We were good people and well thought of in our communities. We are and were you average American, doing our best to get by with what we were given, even excelling and doing several amazing things in the mix of things. This is simply to tell you that your mother can not live you live for you and no matter what your parents feelings towards your life choices are they are your life choices and you are the one living with those choices on a daily basis. Today, I am a completely settled woman. I am in love, of course with someone and that love, for the first time in my long life, is deep into my bone marrow. It is unconditional and forgiving. Forgiving as he is not a perfect person, although I am sure he would argue that point ... but he is not, he has issues I'd rather he not but I do love him. Will I marry again? I think not. I think his issues will prevent it. But, I know I will be fine .... I will be fine without any help from Mother!

Do you hate your mother? (I know someone there in cyber land is asking themselves this question) The answer is no, I adore my mother. She is a very remarkable woman. She was doing what she felt was socially acceptable because she bought into the era in which she was raised. She cares more about what other people think about her than she should. After all, other people don't actually give a flip what you do as long as you don't do it to them but mother has never learned that lesson and I feel sad that she still holds onto her beliefs and lets them rule her existence. I do not. I do as I please. I hurt no one and allow no one to hurt me (well nearly no one, Win can do it in a millisecond, but that is only because with him I am different) ... And, no I am not cold or distant from my life I live it fully and completely with zest and happiness. I love who I am.

This is an European wall phone. I do not think we had this particular telephone in the states but it will serve my purpose here because it is old and quiet foreign to anyone under 40 out in cyber land. Just like the telephone I used when I was a girl this one is foreign to the kids of today.

The very first telephone I ever used hung on the wall and looked like a big long wooden box with a funny looking mouth piece that you could move up or down to speak into and a side mounted ear piece. It also had a crank handle on the other side which we used to give the battery juice before making a call. No dial. We had an operator who would connect us to our party. And the operator most often would listen to our conversation and report back to our mothers if she heard something she considered inappropriate. Her name was Mrs. Chamberlain. We were on a six party line with a lot of other people. Each set had it's own ring so you know if the phone call was for you when the phone rang. But, the phone didn't ring very much. No one used it very often back in the 1950's. We were not allowed to stay on for more than five minutes so it was a lot better to visit in person. My two cousins and I would walk down the red clay dirt road two miles in one direction and only half a mile in the other to visit our friends. It's no wonder that we visited the closest neighbor more often. Then we could talk and sing for hours. Now days, of course, kids stay on the phone for as long as we stayed out of the house.

We have become a useless society. Greatly in need of front porches, old telephones limited to five minute calls and face to face conversations.

Passive-Aggressive Emotional Abuse: Or, what I call (DCS) dangling the carrot syndrome. As most women hear what they want to hear they miss those subtle adverbs a man tosses in the conversation. For example: Say you are involved with someone who lives some distance from you and during one of your communications he says "I plan on coming to see you" . Do not go out and buy new bath towels because he is not telling you that a trip is definite. He is only thinking about it in a most obscure way and is not to be taken seriously. Now, if he add to that "at some point" or "sometime" and with further probing on your part can not commit to some kind of timeframe then hang up the phone and/or block him from your email address. The guy is DCS big time.

So how do you get from "I plan" to "I am"? Women would be well advised to notice the words he uses and the actions he takes. Men are known for taking one big step forward then nearly immediately taking a few steps backward. It is in their nature. I believe they can not help themselves.

The next step is to understand that he will not be with a woman he does not see his future with. By that I mean if he does not see you as the mother of his children, his partner in crime, his equal he most likely will find a way to back out of the relationship completely at some point. And not because he is being mean spirited. And not because he does not like you. He may even offer to stay friends. And, most likely he'll mean it!

Men play games. Not that women do not but men are really good at it. And, if you don't pick up on his subtle clues you just might be left holding the bag. A bag filled with your broken heart.

Forgive me ... but ... I think when someone telephones and says 1) I tried my best not to love you but the thing is I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU and says the call is to let me know how he feels about me and 2) talks about coming out during his vacation ... well.... then I have a boyfriend who loves me and want me and is coming to see me ............ so when he abruptly stops less than one week later having any contact whatsoever then HE IS A DOG and doesn't deserve me!

I am a good catch! A damn good catch and he is a total jerk and I need to remember this when he shows back up, which he will do because he always does, and avoid him like he's caring the illness that he is caring!

He is, after all, in the entertainment industry so what did I think I was going to get ... he lives his life in fantasy land but I live in the real world of regular work (an an accountant!) real reading (I read books not scripts) I also don't have a 7,000 plus movie collection! Not that I don't have movies, I do, of course, I just don't live my life as a movie fantasy spilling over into the real world of the average Joe. I am an average Joe, or the female version of it. As best I can determine 'the love of my life' and the 'man I would have walked through fire for' lives his life in fantasy land ...

As no one is following me on this blog ... I am switching this to my uploading of feelings blog ... besides why do I want to write about why I decided to find love .... it appears that love is done with me!

The week before my birthday mother was ill. And, although she was not demanding her care took more time than I normally provided. The poor woman could not lift her head up off her pillow. I had to spoon feed her and monitor her insulin levels and blood pressure every couple hours instead of twice each day. Plus, I wasn't sleeping very well. You know how you listen in your sleep for your newborn? Well, I was doing the same but for my eighty-four year old mother.

I was usually full of energy but by mid week I was beginning to physically slow to a crawl.

My children were coming for my birthday celebration on Sunday but when each one called to check on their grandmother, absolutely no one was picking up on my less than subtle hints that the house needed to be cleaned, laundry finished and that the flower bed by the side door needed some attention. To my kids I was super woman, I could handle it all. In reality I wasn't a super woman I was simply a woman who was over taxed and over extended. And a woman vein enough not to want the birthday pictures to be of yard debris and smudged windows. By Saturday my fanny was kicked, totally.

Sunday morning I still had a few last minute things to do before my daughter arrived with salmon, shrimp, stuffed mushrooms and our families award wining cream cheese pie. And, too, before everyone arrived I needed to look like someone interested in a celebration. So, I slipped into a tub of hot infused water for a good soak and that is where I had my epiphany. I did not realize it at the time but that epiphany would be responsible for taking my life in a new direction filled with every emotion known to man.

Actually, it took a few days to wrap my mind around the epiphany of that moment. It took a few more days to realize my nemesis wasn't sadness, it was loneliness. It did not matter how busy I had kept myself I had emotionally shut down as a woman and this needed to be fixed. In other words I needed a man in my life. I needed to get back out there, toss my bra into the ring with all the other over sixty set searching for, dare I say it, love. I spent my days as a dutiful daughter and hands on grandmother. My life honestly didn't leave a lot of time for dating. But, I figured no man was going to knock on my door and ask me out, I'd need to go to where the men were. And the men were on the Internet! How did I know this? Advertisements, of course!

The Upside & Downside of Dating After Sixty

When I decided to look into some Internet Dating sites a few months ago I did so without any preconceived expectations. No matter what eHarmony promises I did not believe I would find my 'soul mate' on the internet. I was looking to ease the loneliness and dullness and to bring a little excitement into my life for a change. A nice lunch or meeting for coffee and a donut once a week or to take in a good movie together. Someone to become friends with but not someone to share my social security check with. My only stipulation was that he needed to be in the same zip code!

What I found has been the most disappointing experience and experiences of my life.

CHAPTER ONE

Part I

Accusations of the Heart

By: Mary Amanda Byers

Thoughts of an early Spring danced around in my head like a fine tune, perhaps "Melancholy Serenade" by Si Zeniner, his soft and fluid horn easing out the notes like spring buds on tree branches. It would be a long time before buds appeared on the flowering Pear trees outside my bedroom window though. And longer still before the grounds would be filled with the colors of greens and yellows, pinks and blues. Today, snow was still on the ground with more snow promised before the day was out. Spring, I thought, needs to hurry up and push Winter out of the way.

You see, when the notion to investigate Internet dating hit my pea size brain it was the same day I turned sixty-four. Now you might be thinking to yourself why a woman of senior years would consider this in the first place. I can tell you that no matter what age, love is never something one wants to do without. A baby needs its mother's love and until the day that baby dies at a ripe age of 102 that baby needs to give and to be loved. This is just the way it is. Oh, my life was good but it was missing that one element that brings joy in abundance into a woman's heart. Besides, I had been single over a dozen years and that was long enough. I had finished raising my children I had late in life and now it was my turn for some happiness. A little excitement. A little companionship.

As I said, it was my birthday when the notion struck me and it had been a busy morning, so busy it was late morning before was able to I slowly eased myself into a hot tub of bubbles infused with the scents of spring and ponder things like dating and the winters chill I wished would end. It wasn't that I disliked Winter. I loved the wintery snows that at first lightly dusted the grounds then turned into mounds on top of the Japanese Boxwoods and on top of the concrete benches and round table that had never had an umbrella placed into the spot designed for such placement. It was not winter that disturbed me. No wintery snow, brisk wind or even a below zero temperature were the cause of my disenchantment. And, if I were to be totally honest with myself it would take more than Spring to break my disenchanted spirits. No, not even infused bath crystals could take my mind to a place of inner calm even though this is what the box promised. I was not carried away.

Bad language spoken;

Babies crying

Overcooked biscuits

because mother insisted they be

left in for another two minutes.

Dolls being stolen

between Lexi & Mattie

Scarves for blankets being offered

to even the score;

Dishes left to clean later while I slipped into

a tub filled with hot water and crystals that

smelled of passion flowers but are labeled Green Tea;

Just another day; just another Sunday

to miss church for the tending to others;

No, please don't bake a cake! or fix a dish

for I am not in the mood to celebrate.

It's just another day, the same as the day before

for tending to others while I let myself slip away.

Today is not memorable, there is nothing remarkable,

easy, or serene about it to report to you;

Just the usual trysts and tasks that daily surround and

weave in and out of an ordinary day. My 64th birthday.

(copyright: 2009)

It had been the same day repeated for the thousandth time in a thousand consecutive days. Nothing unpleasant but nothing very exciting. I was living a dutiful existence in a lovely home filled with lovely things but my life was anything but lovely. After a long hot bath with scented salts I felt physically and mentally refreshed. I dressed in the comfortable clothes I had become adjusted to wearing and emerged to a family that loved me beyond reason and unanimously gave me an approval rating far above what I deserved or had earned. This is what unconditional love does, it give you what you may not have earned but it give it to you anyway. And, I joyfully received the accolades. Five wonderful grown children, each having children of their own. All wonderful. Why was I so sad?

CHAPTER ONE

Part II

(story line continued as a weekly posting)