In all honesty men think like dogs or bulls humping only the prima-heard, or something like that. I have been married three times, divorced twice and one annulment. And although I did love I did not complete and fully love. And this is very hard for me to admit. It is not something any woman wants to admit, actually, that she never deeply to the core of her being, to the bone marrow loved a man, and until now this has been true. Let me explain. My first trip to the alter was at the insistence of my mother. I was eighteen and he was seventeen and we married the 5th of October (1963) after high school graduation. He turned eighteen that December. We had to go before a Judge with his father present to get court approval to get married! But, we had had sex, actually, a lot of sex because our first "mistake" as my mother called it lead to many more "transgressions" on our part! Not that she was aware of how much sex we were having but the fact that we had was enough to declare me 'ruined for life' and that the boy would have to marry me! The sex, well, it was like eating potato chips, you can't eat just one, and we could not stop with just once. And, yes! we were young and thought we were in love but we were soon to find out we really were not and did not fall in love until after we were married. I was rather surprised by this, but still it wasn't to the core of my being kind of love, but it was very nice love. But that is not what I'm writing about here. I am writing about why I got married three times. It was my Mother! She insisted Bobby and I marry, his parents said "well, you have too!" as well (it was a really hush hush big deal in both households) anyway we married. We should have waited until after college! Who knows what would have been our lives at that point but surely it would not have been with each other, or if with each other at least our marriage would have been 'user friendly' but ... Okay, the second time was a mess and again My Mother! She packed my car with nearly everything I owned! So when I took a trip to 'see if we liked each other enough to consider marriage' I showed up with all my bags plus the dishes! We got married! Would I have married him if given a chance to think about it for another 24? Probably not. And even though I knew him through work (we were both fire fighters and actually partnered up at the department) I should have realized that who you know at work is not necessarily the same person off duty. That one was annulled a very short time later because the guy was truly crazy. In fact I usually don't list him as a husband and tell people I've been married and divorced twice but here I am writing about how my mother's whinny ways and table thumping activities has nearly destroyed my life! I know, I know I should have developed some balls by the second time around. The third marriage I wanted because we had children born out of marriage, three lovely children we cherished. And, no I did not want to marry him! Let me say this plainly and clearly; it was not me; we had split and he wanted his family back but I had moved to North Carolina and in with my mother until I was settled in a rental. Mother said "if he comes you will get married" or he "can't come here and live in sin with our family knowing about it!" or else I would have continued to live in sin! Or, after two days of his trip out I would have realized, as I did two days later, that he had not changed his drug use one bit! He was still using and worse than before I'd discovered it and had tried to help him!!! You can't help a druggie....hello!!!!!!!! So we were married and on all other things he was a good husband and good Dad...so we stayed married until the time came for him to make a choice ... family or drugs .... he chose drugs. Hey, he was a druggie and although he finally straightened himself out he did so years later ... so I have been married, I have loved, I have had less than a perfect and wonderful one, actually. All this sounds very low class. But, none of us ever were low class. We were good people and well thought of in our communities. We are and were you average American, doing our best to get by with what we were given, even excelling and doing several amazing things in the mix of things. This is simply to tell you that your mother can not live you live for you and no matter what your parents feelings towards your life choices are they are your life choices and you are the one living with those choices on a daily basis. Today, I am a completely settled woman. I am in love, of course with someone and that love, for the first time in my long life, is deep into my bone marrow. It is unconditional and forgiving. Forgiving as he is not a perfect person, although I am sure he would argue that point ... but he is not, he has issues I'd rather he not but I do love him. Will I marry again? I think not. I think his issues will prevent it. But, I know I will be fine .... I will be fine without any help from Mother!

Do you hate your mother? (I know someone there in cyber land is asking themselves this question) The answer is no, I adore my mother. She is a very remarkable woman. She was doing what she felt was socially acceptable because she bought into the era in which she was raised. She cares more about what other people think about her than she should. After all, other people don't actually give a flip what you do as long as you don't do it to them but mother has never learned that lesson and I feel sad that she still holds onto her beliefs and lets them rule her existence. I do not. I do as I please. I hurt no one and allow no one to hurt me (well nearly no one, Win can do it in a millisecond, but that is only because with him I am different) ... And, no I am not cold or distant from my life I live it fully and completely with zest and happiness. I love who I am.