I thought I could solve any problem by using my experience and my knowledge but I find this is not possible in a love relationship with a human. If Win were a cat: a fishy treat would bring him around, he'd forgive me on the spot with one yummy morsel and then he'd curl up beside me and let me pet him until he was purring like satisfied cats do. But, he is not a cat. If Win were a horse: a good walk with my easily holding the straps and guiding him until the trust returned would work and does on horses. But, he is not a horse. If Win were a turtle: A fresh leaf of cabbage (my turtle liked cabbage) left out and gentle words would work until he would let me hold him in the palm of my hand. But, he is not a turtle. If Win were a dog: A loving pat and a few hugs and a nice walk and tons of praise would bring him around. And he would know (1) I am so so sorry I was so way out of line; (2) I learned a valuable lesson not to push, to accept and to wait, and (3) he can truly trust me again because I will never ever do that again. The knowledge that I frightened (i.e. I encroached on his comfortable turf) someone I am so deeply in love with that he felt the need to pull away haunts me. I caused pain and I never want to cause that pain again.

What do I want? The simple answer to this question is to live with the man I love and to be the comfortable place he can come to for all his needs, emotional, spiritual, physical, social and even mental. I don't claim to be as intelligent as my love is but I think I can hold my end of a conversation. I want to be held tight and to receive his smiles and warm kisses and hugs. I want to turn down the covers only with him. I want to end this life in his arms and wait for him on the other end. I want to walk through eternity with him. I want a lot don't I? Just all the moons and all the stars in the sky that he has wrapped up in his hands for me and only me.

I am going to be very late for work! Kyle is not here as yet and I do not have the one dollar on me to take the bus so I must keep telephoning him to wake him up so I can go to work. His mother is very angry with him. I'm not angry. Anger is such a waist of my energy. I'd rather think of this as a little ripple in the life of someone who's job ends on the 15th of April anyway no matter if I go into the office today or not. On the 15th we all get fired until next year. I will not be with H&R Block next year. My choice. I am disappointed at the volume of work available. When I hired on I did ask all the right questions but I did not get all the right (or true) answers. I think the owner was doing the pie in the sky thing when he interviewed me. When I asked how many returns were done the prior year he said 1200. When I asked how many tax professionals he had working. He said six. What he did not say was the 1200 tax returns several were his which he should have not counted. And, to add insult to injury (because I am injured as I have not the savings to get me through the remaining year that I usually put back during tax season from my paychecks) the six tax professional he said he had was actually six tax professional stations but there are actually thirteen tax professionals working those six stations. So this past week my hours were a whopping fifteen and the week before I worked ten! My last paycheck was for twenty hours and I get paid every other Friday. Two weeks = twenty hours = not doing too well here! So, well done me.

So, I will need to go to California and stay with my friend in order to take care of my responsibilities and that rather stinks. But, I can suck it up and do what I need to do! Steven and I have been best friends for years; no romantic attachments and NO there is no "friends with benefits" as the kids now days say between us. He is my step in brother replacing the three I have lost. The only sibling left I find that I feel quite alone so it is nice having Steven. And he's tall so while I am there he can get all the high stuff down just like Lloyd and Greg did! Lloyd was six-two and Greg was six-four. I miss looking up at them and seeing all that love in their eyes for their little/big sister, respectively. Eddie was six even but I never looked up into his eyes, that I remember, although I know he loved me. My three brothers were wonderful people. I miss and love them dearly. I think Steven nearly loves me like that but it would be impossible for him to love me as much, I think. Anyway, if this is what I need to do them this is what I will do, period, end of story, no complaints, smilie face on and march forward into the abyss of ?????????????

As for the only man I have ever loved this much........who knows..........I know what I want..........but does he? And where is he anyway? Not here with me; not talking to me; not forgiving me. What a mess.