Back from working with nearly zero work to do ... so I took the time to do a flow sheet on Excel for a writing project I want to do. I'm setting her at home, on the computer with ear phones on listening to pandora.com online radio station tuned into some of the best of "what I like" ... leaning back in my chair and typing this to myself........such a wonderful life...I should write a script!

I need to do research on a variety of subjects in order to write the 'history book' I have in the works. Accuracy aside, I want to be entertaining. Some of the stuff is dry as yesterdays toast so putting the reader into a less sleepy mode would be a good thing. So tossing in some facts as to the music and movies and culture of the times will mix it up and brighten it up. At least this is my thoughts on the matter :)

I am missing Win ... and it is not getting easier. Just as before, it will take a long long time to get my heart and my mind in rhythm, marching forward at the same pace. This time I don't care if that ever happens because every time in the past that this has happened I begin to think about dating, just to have someone to go places with, to enjoy some companionship with and so I try and then Win shows back up nearly at the same time and 'we' begin again as I realize how much I am still in love with Win so how can I see someone else? So, my new man, to whom I own nothing other than maybe reciprocating a meal or a movie is tossed aside like last years old newspapers. This is not hard to do because thus far I have not meet a man who says "friends only, just to go places with" and "agrees to the terms" and then, always, like a salesman's switch and bate tries for more than "friends only to go places with" .... I think it is best I live alone and write and do charity work, travel to places I've always wanted to go and visit with friends. Sex, well that is another story. I guess I will not have any! And, this I don't like, not one bit. I was looking so forward to having sex with Win. Oh well................. sucks, sucks big time. And it sucks that I know in my heart that I will never love this deeply again. I know because of past loving I've done. No one in my life has touched me in the way he has so naturally I feel this way. And, time does not heal all wounds, not even a skinned knee, I have proof of the scares on my knees!

Wounds just do not heal...I hope Win is not suffering over this. I feel for him. I feel that I have caused him pain and that makes me cry more than for myself and I do cry for myself. I cry all the time. I can't seem to stop the crying. I don't want to say goodbye.