I was doing alright; nothing but rainbows in my sight; I was doing alright

and so the song goes ...

Now, I just set and wonder if love isn't one big blunder ....

Yes, I was doing alright but I'd be doing much better being held tight .... or at the least at the other end of this pool of sludge I find myself in. Not that being here is a bad thing. It's just so damn uncomfortable. My mind and heart are out of tune. It is like I've stepped off a moving train platform and fell into a pit of gravel. Or better still I've run through a field of cow dung, me being the cow that caused the dung.

I am listening to one of my favorite songs: Ces Petits Riens by Stacy Kent on album Breakfast on the Morning Tram. The music I love is a bit off the beaten path of popular contemporary music found on most radio stations in this country. Love songs that tell a story. Love good writing in any form. I am currently reading James Joyce for the 100th time in my life and wondering why it is so difficult for most people I meet to understand Joyce. He's pretty clear to me. Anyway Joyce is not what I am dealing with today.

I am full of regret this day ... and feeling so responsible I could kick myself from here to the moon and would if it would help matters.

I am wondering if it is even possible to turn this thing around and if I should even continue to try. I've sent an apology out to Win but then what is in an apology but to tell the truth about your complexity in the matter. The thing is that I am in love and at this moment, at this time, it hurts like nobodies business that I may have ruined it for the two of us. Not intentionally. I know it was not intentional but nonetheless I did because I was being ... being what? .... being agressive? No, that's not it ... being pushy? No, that's not it either .... I was being too uncomfortable for him to digest? Yes, that is it...too uncomfortable for him to digest. Well, lesson learned but perhaps learned too late ... I hope not but ................ at any rate I have done the unspeakable. I have made too much noise and noise is disturbing, apparently, to a man. They like quiet. Not noise. Certain things women do because it is in the nature to do them is repulsive to a man, or so I understand now thanks to a dear friend who let me in on a secret. Well, fine thing to know this now! Now that I have been overly gabby, overly 'whatever' I was. In past relationships it was not something that was an issue, my talking and wanting contact with 'the guy' ... he liked it actually. But, not Win. Win needs space and distance to absorb what his mouth said and his heart is feeling and probably what is going on inside his head. So.... so what? What now? Just be myself. Put one foot in front of the other. Wake up every morning, smile and be thankful that even at this age I have loved a man to the depth of my bone marrow and it is better to love him than to not ever have loved him.