Mothers

It is impossible to deal with my mother for she can push every button I have. The thing is this: she knows she is doing it and seems to take some sort of pleasure in it ... I stay calm and make polite talk while all the time wanting to tell her exactly what I think of her childish (me, me, me) behavior until such time as it becomes absolutely necessary for me to speak, plainly and boldly to her. Then the cycle begins again.

When Bobby and I were first married she dropped the hint that I wanted something for Christmas. Bobby purchased it for me and told her he had gotten it. When Christmas morning came I opened Bobby's present and was delighted he had bought this item for me. Kiss and hugs all around. That afternoon mother showed up to exchange gifts. Her gift was an upgrade of the same item Bobby had gotten for me. I could see it in her face that she knew she had gotten the better one and was pleased over it. When I returned the one she gave to me she was very upset. I know this because every time she came over she mentioned it. In her mind she was 'one upping' my new husband and doing so to let me know I could have done better. Her better, of course, is built on the scale of who has the most to offer in the way of financial stability and bobbles and such. In her mind women are for sale to the highest bidder of their choosing. I do not feel the same. I love with all my heart and the lucky man who gets my affections gets my affections unconditionally. This is only one example of her cunning ways in which she uses anger and leverage to get what she wants and/or what she thinks everyone else should do/have so she can appear to her friends and, I think to herself, as a woman who has it all and who can, as she has often said "hold her head up high" that her family is a cut above everyone else ... My mother came from poor roots and is proud she accomplished so much. The fact is she accomplished very little in the global scheme of things. She can china paint, she can sew, she can keep a clean house, she can do an extraordinary job of laundry but she can not lay claim to anything else. These things, although fine gifts do not make her any more special than any other woman around the globe. I do the same, I can sew and quilt, I can keep a clean house and my laundry is done well. I am not any more special than another. Even though I write a good story and I love doing it I have not set the literary world on fire .. gosh my spelling is atrocious! But, she constantly tells her friends and any one else that will listen that I am a writer! This has happened too often to someone who has only been published in two magazines and in an anthology for Pete's Sake. Not that I would not love to set the Literary World on fire I can not lay claim to it, and should not embellish my accomplishments. But mother does and it is embarrassing to me.

I am finding that as I keep my distance from her influence I do better at pulling myself together and getting back to the woman I am. So, for now, for the time being I don't call as often as I should and I diffidently do not visit her. She is the devil incarnate to my healing processes.

The past five months I have lived away from her. I have my own apartment since November 27, 2009 and am doing very well. I am doing well because I am staying away from her or I would not be doing well at all. If not for my distance I would continue to be overwhelmed and suffering from self doubt. I need the distance to learn to be me again. My mother has done damage that is not unrepairable but I need the distance to repair that damage.

During the time I have been healing I have had a relationship that did not work out. How could it have been a success? I was not ready yet to have any relationship with anyone and most particularly not with Win Shields! That relationship with him has been on and off too many times and always during the time I was not ready. But, I am in love with him so I went for it when I should have said SLOW and EASY and not too seriously please. So it did not work out and with this last time I feel it never will work out and this makes me worse off than I was five months ago. Now I find myself having to begin from scratch! I have to, once again, force myself to get out of bed, stay off the computer, stay out of my pajamas and get out of my apartment. For example I have been in my pajamas since late Thursday evening when I came home from the Relief Society birthday dinner and I have not been outside this apartment since I came home Thursday evening around ten thirty. I count that at 74 hours and counting. No bath, no change of clothes, no sunlight, my bed is not even made nor are the sheets on it. They are still in the dryer from Friday morning with the mattress cover laying on top of the bed ready to be put back on. I have slept on the sofa for two nights. It was easier than making the bed. The book shelves are still stacked in the bedroom to be put back together and at the end of the sofa are at least fifty books stacked up that need to go into that bookcase. The second bedroom is full of my daughters bedroom suite and all her things and a crib that needs to be dismantled and taken to her house. I keep thinking if I could get some help doing these two things I could put the rest of my things away then maybe I would feel more like living here. The place is clean, the kitchen is kept up and the bathroom is clean and the floors are clean but it takes a lot of effort on my part to keep it up. I can't even keep myself up all the time. Some one coming to my door would be shocked to see me in smelly p.j.'s with dirty hair ... but, there was no outside influence for me to bath, I did not have to go to work and I bowed out of church today. Don't give me an oppertunity to stay in because I'll take it! Every morning I tell myself: I will go for a walk today, but I don't. The only think I am doing right is eating like I should to drop some of my weight and I need to drop some weight! I want to be normal again, normal size and a normal life.

So.....here's the plan: Tomorrow I am going to ask Lisa to take me to the unemployment office. I will speak with someone and see if I can draw some unemployment and if they can help me find a full time job at a good wage. Perhaps with the hospital. This town is too large for me not to find something I can do to give myself something to do where I have to get out of the house everyday, and dress nicely every day, and be around people every day. Then I am setting an appointment with a doctor to check out my health; physical and mental. I need help. I would not say I was falling apart; I am, however, not doing as well as I should be. It is not normal to stay in one's pajamas and not bath for days. And it is not normal to sleep on the sofa instead of in a very nice comfy bed with clean sheets.

I need to heal from this thing with Win and I need to learn how to love myself again.