Finally back online and at daughters in Red Oak, NC ... progress, progress, progress. Soon I'll be in California, working, living with my friend Steven McEuen and having a LIFE....and loving that it, I'm sure. Steven is rather opinion minded and set in stone as to how he likes things done. I hope we do not butt heads! I butt heads with other strong minded people but with Steve I think it will be fine because he usually gets his way ;) like most men do. Steve has gone to great lengths to avail himself to me and I am appreciative. The goal is to pay him back the monies lent to me which kept me from dieing of starvation and living in a dark and cold house (in other words, he kept the lights on and the food stocked) a while back and I owe the help back.

When this is over I'll be back in NC and dug in again into a life I don't really love. I should just up and move back to Ohio! Troy is my first pick. Tipp City is my second. I would love to live there again and be close to my grandson Joseph. The joy of watching him hit a baseball or slide down a water slide pulls me there. But, the thing is, I would have to leave behind my four girls and Kyle (not to mention the possibility of seeing Carmen and Stefan again) so it is a difficult choice to make. Ohio is more peaceful. Lets face it: Pamela is more peaceful! My sons keep me upset with one thing and then another and I feel their pain and want to help but all my help (in the past) got them nowhere! No progress at all so I need to back off and let them do for themselves but it so so hard to do!! I want a good live for them and their children so badly but I must remember I can not give that to them. They have to give that to themselves.

I will miss Lexi (I already do!) if I move. Lexi made me feel like a grandmother again. And, I worry so much about Destiny & Abigail. I worry about their health! How could I not! Doesn't their mother realize how dangerous an unkempt and dirty house is? And doesn't she realize that my son can't keep all this work up? He's stretched to the limit while she set on her ass smiling like some queen waiting for him to cook the meals and clean the house. What a mess my son has landed himself in. I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix this situation for Brian as he works so hard and deserves so much more from life than what Becca is giving him. Does she care? I honestly do not think she does.

As for Kevin, he will come into his own sooner than later. I have high hopes for his success at having a wonderful life. I wish will all my heart he and Michelle could have worked things out but alas, not to be. Oh well...not my life but his to live. He'll be fine given time.

As to Candace...........a little upset at her housekeeping skills...........she needs a boost! I don't want to do everything because then her hubby would notice who did it and make her look less in his eyes so that's not good. How to help without being the doer??? I will figure it out, I guess.

SO, I'm totally over Mr. Shields! Now this is great news to my heart. Great news. I'll always have fondness for him but I don't love him like I did. He's spoiled my affections by his actions.

I need to get my fanny in motion today as I have lots to do before I can leave for California.

It is late and I can't sleep again as the neighbors below me are fussing at each other and they have a new puppy which is making his/her own noise. There must be something I can do about this. Other neighbors have complained so many times that the landlord now takes a deep breath when I called him the other day. It was my second time complaining. I called about the smelly water coming out of the bathroom faucet but added in at the end of the call (hey, had him on the line anyway, so...) that they were continuing to be bothersome. I have not called him in many many days but tomorrow I will need to telephone him again and explain (1) move them or (2) move me! Eight is acceptable. I need to be on the ground floor anyway. The stairs are becoming a problem and then because of them I don't go out for walks as much because the thought of climbing them when I come back is so unpleasant to think about that I just don't go in the first place.

I am missing Win tonight. But, I did as David suggested and sent him a message that said "I love you, Win. But, I am no longer going to chase you. If you decide that you want me, I will be here for you." This is what David said to do and I did it, although I don't think he'll actually come around and quite frankly I'm not sure I want him too. Six years of this mess is enough. I need to move on, seriously move on and that does not mean a new 'man' or an attempt to date either. Not this time. I need my time to be only for me. I need to focus on my quilting; my writing; my gardening; my walking; my earning a living so I can eat properly and pay the bills when due; and I need to focus on my health. I need to see three doctors (1) an optometrist for new glasses (2) a cardiologist for my heart (two leaky valves) and (3) a general practitioner for a really good check up, one that can refer me for a mammogram and prescribe something for my depression, although I really do not want to take anything that makes it difficult for me to lose my weight; and (5) the dentist to finish fixing my teeth. All these doctor visits are needed! I need to get on with it. And, I need to join a gym and go!! I have a marvelous book about what I need to do to tone and get back into shape for my sixty-five year old body and it sounds like it will work for me so I should give it a good old fashioned try. Belly up to the bar, so to speak; run the mile!! Just Do It! And I shall.

Steven wants me to live with him for a while so I can pay him back the money I owe him and I really do not want to to this but I may need too. I am not sure it is a really good idea except for, of course, paying him back which would be done in about four months or less. But, then what? I would love to visit Mountain View again and see all my old friends and see my sister-in-law, Yvonne Maughn and her son Nicky. I believe he still lives with her. Her other son Tony lives in Southern California for what I've heard. I don't keep in touch with Yvonne all that much after my brother Eddie passed on. I should but then I don't keep in touch with Helen that much either. I keep in touch with all my other cousins but it seems that Helen and I just have gotten off track, that's all, we are off track of calling and writing. I will write to her tomorrow. I should write to her.

I am not sure I will get much of a bonus from doing taxes this year and this is a huge disappointment. I am nearly 100% discouraged. I keep telling myself "chin up, you've been through worse" but my mind doesn't seem to listen too well.

Julie is coming with a friend of hers on Saturday. Her friend wants me to look at her tax return and give advise on how to prepare for next year. I don't know what she does so I don't know what I'm getting into! And, of course, Julie will be there and I don't like giving tax advise in the presence of a non-related individual. I don't think Julie understands how this could be professionally unsatisfactory. I'll handle it ... I always handle things like this so I will this too.

I'm so old looking; so old. I am beginning to look like my grandmother Mary Francis Self-Wehunt. She passed away at 94.10 years. I will live this long too. So, I'd best get on with taking better care of myself. If I am going to live as long, or longer, than my grandmothers and aunts (most in their late nineties) I want these final years to be filled with health, fun and pleasures; filled with happiness (that is where Winfred came in) and adventure. I would love to earn enough money the next five or six years so I can put back quiet a bit and then I can travel some. I can travel a little now but only a little. I want to go to Europe and Africa. I'm not so keen on going to Asia or Hawaii of any other Island for that matter but perhaps I might like to go to Sidney, Australia. I'm not sure if I want to take one of those ship tours though, they don't sound like my kind of thing. I'm not all that social, actually. I'm friendly as they come but not all that social. I can tour Canada now and the US states as well and I think I am going to do that this year. Weekend getaways sort of thing. Anyway, I want to be able to put back some money so I can travel.

All seem to have quietened down downstairs; they must have finally fallen asleep! I shall go to bed now. I am very sleepy all of the sudden. Good Night Win.

Mothers

It is impossible to deal with my mother for she can push every button I have. The thing is this: she knows she is doing it and seems to take some sort of pleasure in it ... I stay calm and make polite talk while all the time wanting to tell her exactly what I think of her childish (me, me, me) behavior until such time as it becomes absolutely necessary for me to speak, plainly and boldly to her. Then the cycle begins again.

When Bobby and I were first married she dropped the hint that I wanted something for Christmas. Bobby purchased it for me and told her he had gotten it. When Christmas morning came I opened Bobby's present and was delighted he had bought this item for me. Kiss and hugs all around. That afternoon mother showed up to exchange gifts. Her gift was an upgrade of the same item Bobby had gotten for me. I could see it in her face that she knew she had gotten the better one and was pleased over it. When I returned the one she gave to me she was very upset. I know this because every time she came over she mentioned it. In her mind she was 'one upping' my new husband and doing so to let me know I could have done better. Her better, of course, is built on the scale of who has the most to offer in the way of financial stability and bobbles and such. In her mind women are for sale to the highest bidder of their choosing. I do not feel the same. I love with all my heart and the lucky man who gets my affections gets my affections unconditionally. This is only one example of her cunning ways in which she uses anger and leverage to get what she wants and/or what she thinks everyone else should do/have so she can appear to her friends and, I think to herself, as a woman who has it all and who can, as she has often said "hold her head up high" that her family is a cut above everyone else ... My mother came from poor roots and is proud she accomplished so much. The fact is she accomplished very little in the global scheme of things. She can china paint, she can sew, she can keep a clean house, she can do an extraordinary job of laundry but she can not lay claim to anything else. These things, although fine gifts do not make her any more special than any other woman around the globe. I do the same, I can sew and quilt, I can keep a clean house and my laundry is done well. I am not any more special than another. Even though I write a good story and I love doing it I have not set the literary world on fire .. gosh my spelling is atrocious! But, she constantly tells her friends and any one else that will listen that I am a writer! This has happened too often to someone who has only been published in two magazines and in an anthology for Pete's Sake. Not that I would not love to set the Literary World on fire I can not lay claim to it, and should not embellish my accomplishments. But mother does and it is embarrassing to me.

I am finding that as I keep my distance from her influence I do better at pulling myself together and getting back to the woman I am. So, for now, for the time being I don't call as often as I should and I diffidently do not visit her. She is the devil incarnate to my healing processes.

The past five months I have lived away from her. I have my own apartment since November 27, 2009 and am doing very well. I am doing well because I am staying away from her or I would not be doing well at all. If not for my distance I would continue to be overwhelmed and suffering from self doubt. I need the distance to learn to be me again. My mother has done damage that is not unrepairable but I need the distance to repair that damage.

During the time I have been healing I have had a relationship that did not work out. How could it have been a success? I was not ready yet to have any relationship with anyone and most particularly not with Win Shields! That relationship with him has been on and off too many times and always during the time I was not ready. But, I am in love with him so I went for it when I should have said SLOW and EASY and not too seriously please. So it did not work out and with this last time I feel it never will work out and this makes me worse off than I was five months ago. Now I find myself having to begin from scratch! I have to, once again, force myself to get out of bed, stay off the computer, stay out of my pajamas and get out of my apartment. For example I have been in my pajamas since late Thursday evening when I came home from the Relief Society birthday dinner and I have not been outside this apartment since I came home Thursday evening around ten thirty. I count that at 74 hours and counting. No bath, no change of clothes, no sunlight, my bed is not even made nor are the sheets on it. They are still in the dryer from Friday morning with the mattress cover laying on top of the bed ready to be put back on. I have slept on the sofa for two nights. It was easier than making the bed. The book shelves are still stacked in the bedroom to be put back together and at the end of the sofa are at least fifty books stacked up that need to go into that bookcase. The second bedroom is full of my daughters bedroom suite and all her things and a crib that needs to be dismantled and taken to her house. I keep thinking if I could get some help doing these two things I could put the rest of my things away then maybe I would feel more like living here. The place is clean, the kitchen is kept up and the bathroom is clean and the floors are clean but it takes a lot of effort on my part to keep it up. I can't even keep myself up all the time. Some one coming to my door would be shocked to see me in smelly p.j.'s with dirty hair ... but, there was no outside influence for me to bath, I did not have to go to work and I bowed out of church today. Don't give me an oppertunity to stay in because I'll take it! Every morning I tell myself: I will go for a walk today, but I don't. The only think I am doing right is eating like I should to drop some of my weight and I need to drop some weight! I want to be normal again, normal size and a normal life.

So.....here's the plan: Tomorrow I am going to ask Lisa to take me to the unemployment office. I will speak with someone and see if I can draw some unemployment and if they can help me find a full time job at a good wage. Perhaps with the hospital. This town is too large for me not to find something I can do to give myself something to do where I have to get out of the house everyday, and dress nicely every day, and be around people every day. Then I am setting an appointment with a doctor to check out my health; physical and mental. I need help. I would not say I was falling apart; I am, however, not doing as well as I should be. It is not normal to stay in one's pajamas and not bath for days. And it is not normal to sleep on the sofa instead of in a very nice comfy bed with clean sheets.

I need to heal from this thing with Win and I need to learn how to love myself again.

A Saturday In 2010

Normalcy; relaxation and calm; music piped through earphones drowning out my noisy neighbors; awe, the one Saturday I have nothing to do but set and contemplate my navel. The healing of my heart is taking place today. Quiet and calm. Reflective. Building bridges between my head and my heart. This is my day. Today. One Saturday in 2010.

I have determined HGTV/DIY is demential to my mental health. The watching itself is too stimulating. Not only do I want to build or plant something but by the end of the fifth one-half hour show I am totally tuckered out from watching sweaty men lug rocks or decorators wipe their brow of sweat. I take a deep breath because I need to calm down my high level of stimulation(s) and get back to contemplating my navel, which is, after deep consideration, my best course of action for this One Saturday in 2010.

I thought I could solve any problem by using my experience and my knowledge but I find this is not possible in a love relationship with a human. If Win were a cat: a fishy treat would bring him around, he'd forgive me on the spot with one yummy morsel and then he'd curl up beside me and let me pet him until he was purring like satisfied cats do. But, he is not a cat. If Win were a horse: a good walk with my easily holding the straps and guiding him until the trust returned would work and does on horses. But, he is not a horse. If Win were a turtle: A fresh leaf of cabbage (my turtle liked cabbage) left out and gentle words would work until he would let me hold him in the palm of my hand. But, he is not a turtle. If Win were a dog: A loving pat and a few hugs and a nice walk and tons of praise would bring him around. And he would know (1) I am so so sorry I was so way out of line; (2) I learned a valuable lesson not to push, to accept and to wait, and (3) he can truly trust me again because I will never ever do that again. The knowledge that I frightened (i.e. I encroached on his comfortable turf) someone I am so deeply in love with that he felt the need to pull away haunts me. I caused pain and I never want to cause that pain again.

What do I want? The simple answer to this question is to live with the man I love and to be the comfortable place he can come to for all his needs, emotional, spiritual, physical, social and even mental. I don't claim to be as intelligent as my love is but I think I can hold my end of a conversation. I want to be held tight and to receive his smiles and warm kisses and hugs. I want to turn down the covers only with him. I want to end this life in his arms and wait for him on the other end. I want to walk through eternity with him. I want a lot don't I? Just all the moons and all the stars in the sky that he has wrapped up in his hands for me and only me.

I am going to be very late for work! Kyle is not here as yet and I do not have the one dollar on me to take the bus so I must keep telephoning him to wake him up so I can go to work. His mother is very angry with him. I'm not angry. Anger is such a waist of my energy. I'd rather think of this as a little ripple in the life of someone who's job ends on the 15th of April anyway no matter if I go into the office today or not. On the 15th we all get fired until next year. I will not be with H&R Block next year. My choice. I am disappointed at the volume of work available. When I hired on I did ask all the right questions but I did not get all the right (or true) answers. I think the owner was doing the pie in the sky thing when he interviewed me. When I asked how many returns were done the prior year he said 1200. When I asked how many tax professionals he had working. He said six. What he did not say was the 1200 tax returns several were his which he should have not counted. And, to add insult to injury (because I am injured as I have not the savings to get me through the remaining year that I usually put back during tax season from my paychecks) the six tax professional he said he had was actually six tax professional stations but there are actually thirteen tax professionals working those six stations. So this past week my hours were a whopping fifteen and the week before I worked ten! My last paycheck was for twenty hours and I get paid every other Friday. Two weeks = twenty hours = not doing too well here! So, well done me.

So, I will need to go to California and stay with my friend in order to take care of my responsibilities and that rather stinks. But, I can suck it up and do what I need to do! Steven and I have been best friends for years; no romantic attachments and NO there is no "friends with benefits" as the kids now days say between us. He is my step in brother replacing the three I have lost. The only sibling left I find that I feel quite alone so it is nice having Steven. And he's tall so while I am there he can get all the high stuff down just like Lloyd and Greg did! Lloyd was six-two and Greg was six-four. I miss looking up at them and seeing all that love in their eyes for their little/big sister, respectively. Eddie was six even but I never looked up into his eyes, that I remember, although I know he loved me. My three brothers were wonderful people. I miss and love them dearly. I think Steven nearly loves me like that but it would be impossible for him to love me as much, I think. Anyway, if this is what I need to do them this is what I will do, period, end of story, no complaints, smilie face on and march forward into the abyss of ?????????????

As for the only man I have ever loved this much........who knows..........I know what I want..........but does he? And where is he anyway? Not here with me; not talking to me; not forgiving me. What a mess.

Bad language spoken;

Babies crying

Overcooked biscuits

because mother insisted they be

left in for another two minutes.

Dolls being stolen

between Lexi & Mattie

Scarves for blankets being offered

to even the score;

Dishes left to clean later while I slipped into

a tub filled with hot water and crystals that

smelled of passion flowers but are labeled Green Tea;

Just another day; just another Sunday

to miss church for the tending to others;

No, please don't bake a cake! or fix a dish

for I am not in the mood to celebrate.

It's just another day, the same as the day before

for tending to others while I let myself slip away.

Today is not memorable, there is nothing remarkable,

easy, or serene about it to report to you;

Just the usual trysts and tasks that daily surround and

weave in and out of an ordinary day. My 64th birthday.

(copyright: 2009)

AMBIENT NOISE

Ambient noise {the noise related to the immediate surroundings of something like in music, the electronic having no vocals or persistent beat, used to create atmosphere. Notice I did not say ambience because what I am going to discuss here lacks character which, of course, ambience has. The noise I am talking about comes from the floor beneath me. In fact one floor down in a three story apartment building known for its quietness. This place I decided to habituate last November has been a place of quiet which I sorely needed. That quiet has been compromised to the point I can not think, nor can I write without diminished thoughts, thoughts I need to get from my head onto paper!

This all began less than a month ago when new neighbors moved into the unit directly below me. They have two young children whom I consider adorable, active and noisy but adorable and apparently and unfortunately without restrictions when inside their apartment unit. As adorable as they are they are also accomplished trampoline and flying trapeze artists as my wall shake as they run, jump and hang off the furniture. This begins every morning a little after six and ends right before bedtime around eight thirty to nine in the evening. A full day of fun for them but a full day of that ambient noise for me. I might add here that the weather is nice enough for outside play but I never see them outside. The children aren't bad enough added to the mix of noise is their father who is about as loud and verbally obnoxious as a drunken sailor on shore leave trying to impress his buddies but failing one hundred percent. His language is dismal at best and lacks intelligence on any level. He yells at the children and his wife saving all the good words for his wife or course, like bitch and whore. I know this because he is so loud that I can hear every word coming from the floor below me. I know other neighbors have mentioned this to the landlord as have I but thus far the bumping and loudness is yet to fade away to a not so fond memory.

I am waiting for that moment of quietness so I can clearly think and the words inside my head can make it all the way to the paper on which they were intended to land.

Love Eternal

Love me without fear. Trust me without wondering. Love me without restrictions. Want me without demand. Accept me how I am. A love like that will be eternal.

I just love Brother Stewart. He's always lighting my darkened path which is so nice. I don't understand some scripture, he is there to teach me. I have a problem with mother, he calms me. I have tears over Win, he encourages me to keep steadfast and that Win does not lie, that he loves me. I appreciate his friendship.

Working today for five hours resulted in less earnings than than the hourly draw...at this rate I will receive zero bonus! How in the world I am going to make it through the remainder of the year is a mystery to me because their are zero jobs out there .... unemployment insurance---here I come! And, that sucks big time.

Watching "Return To Me" from Netflex. I love this movie. It is a really sweet movie. Chick Flick, but then I'm a Chick :)

Today I am doing better missing my love, still he is on my mind 24/7

I am trying to understand how to put a blog together for my quilting blog and it is so confusing! I need to do that tomorrow when I have zero else to do...it might take all day long to format........I am so tired of Mackenzie Phillips recount of her past .... but women will tune in and 'get a fix' ......... it's like gossiping ........... women love to gossip but I deplore it!!!